The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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