just tell him i said nine months
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
