His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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