i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.