just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.