I wish I could teleport
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
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we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo