The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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