hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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