Just fell off a train. Bad.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
