Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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