I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
