Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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