Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
