I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
