I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
