Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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