chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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