What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
honey bunches of taint.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
