you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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