hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
