I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
