Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
