Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
