i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
