Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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