So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
