You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
