just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
