Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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