Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
