and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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