last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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