If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
