Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
