put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
organizing the empties. That sober.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
