I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
