Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
