I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
