I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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