Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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