dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
