I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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