i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
