I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
