and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
