wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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