I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
