Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
