return my video game
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
this just has baby written all over it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
