Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
