Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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