he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
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who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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