Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
