I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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