just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
