I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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