Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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