and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
