So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
