you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
